Merry SQUIPmas
by AgentOfAngst
Summary: Santa gets a SQUIP to seem relevant to the children of the world. But he and the SQUIP can't agree on some Christmas traditions. Day six of my Twelve Days of Christmas challenge!


**I love Be More Chill so much, so this concept just excited me. I was listening to the soundtrack as I wrote this, I finished write at The Pants Song, which is hands done my second favorite song, just after More Than Survive.**

 **Day six of my Twelve Days of Christmas Challenge!**

* * *

Relevance is a big thing to grapple with around the holidays, and sometimes a big man in a red suit loses relevance among the fellow kids. He'd been puzzling over a way to seem hip to the youth since January, and nothing was coming to mind. In fact, some of his elves were strictly dedicated to solving his relevance problem, and it was starting to seem hopeless. Perhaps the jolly old man was just that- old. Santa was thoroughly dejected, and there wasn't anything anyone could do to put the Merry back into Merry Christmas…

Until a couple elves came to their boss, pretty proud of what they'd uncovered.

"Santa, we think we've solved your little relevancy problem."

"Thank goodness, it's almost Christmas Eve and I've just been so anxious… What do you have for me?"

"I found this."

"A tic tac? Are tic tacs cool now?"

"It's not a tic tac. It's a SQUIP."

"A SQUIP? What's a SQUIP?"

"It stands for Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor, it's like a tiny computer that travels to your brain and helps you be cool."

"I'd finally be cool…" Santa mused, seeming excited.

"Do you know how long I've been waiting to be cool? Countless Christmas movies, including portrayals by Tim Allen and Kurt Russell, couldn't make me look cool. Will this really do it?"

"Yeah, this bad boy will do the trick. You're just supposed to administer it with Green Mountain Dew, and then it will calibrate and start affecting your life."

"I'm going to be cool… Do any of you have a Mountain Dew?"

"I'll go get one," one of the elves piped up. The one elf that was the guy in the group project that barely participated and was trying at the last minute to make it seem like he was a productive part of the process. Santa nodded at him and the guy scurried off. As he left, Santa examined the tic tac shaped computer.

"Where'd you get this?"

"It's from Japan." One of the remaining elves said while another said, "I got it from the back of a Payless." Those weren't the most reassuring words, but he was so dead set on results that he didn't really care about the sketchy methods of obtaining this. His Mountain Dew was delivered, and he took a long sip, then swallowing the SQUIP. Nothing at first… And then…

"Santa Claus."

"Keanu Reeves?" Santa was thoroughly surprised. Was the actor finally getting revenge for being on the naughty list all these years?

"I'm your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor, I can take many different forms, this just happens to be my default. And I'm here to give you exactly what you want old man. Relevance in a modern age. You'd be hopeless without me. Let's begin."

"I'm ready… Show me how to be relevant. I want to give the children a Christmas that they'd love. Something that shows that I get them. That I'm not some loser with outdated gifts."

"I know exactly how to help you. You know things are primarily digital now, you must know or you wouldn't be talking to me."

"Yeah, yeah. Everything's a computer now. It's baffling. No one likes blocks or dollies any more."

"Oh, your innocence is adorable. Kids these days are into what's gritty and dark. One word for you, Fortnite."

"Fortnite? What's that?"

"Only one of the most popular games in the world right now. In fact, video games and electronics is really the business you should be going into if you want your presents to not be discarded with the gift wrap." Santa paled, as that was one of his greatest fears. First, they would reject his presents, and then they would reject him.

"Don't worry Nick, I've got just the thing for you. First, we'll change your style, then we'll work on what you present with your presents."

"I'm not so sure about all this." Santa said, eying all the changes. They made him a little uncomfortable. Where was the traditional sense of Christmas he'd built up all these years? Where was all the goodness he had previously stood for?

"Oh, loosen up. I wish we could do something about your weight, but I'm not a miracle worker. Maybe next year we can unroll Sexy Santa, but this'll have to do. At least you don't look like a child predator anymore."

"A _what_ sir?"

"You sneak into kids houses and bribe them with toys. One song suggests you see them while they're sleeping. Everything about you is just a little creepy. And your outfit… So tacky and overdone. Black is slimming, anyways."

"Black's a little creepy too, though, isn't it?"

"You're cool, you're edgy. At least you look the part. I wish you'd get over this goody goody act, though."

"I'm supposed to be jolly! It's part of the personality."

"The personality that children are discarding with the gift wrap?" The SQUIP had this Santa fellow right where he wanted him. The more desperate they got, the easier it was to persuade a host. And no one had gotten more desperate than that sad sack of an old man who still believed that the world actually had goodness in it. It was cute to see someone with such a distorted version of reality, but when old Nick learned the truth, it would be too late to do anything.

"I'm still not sure about this." Santa argued as he was about to set off on Christmas Eve. They hadn't had time to replace the reindeer, though the SQUIP had obviously wanted to. The elves and Mrs. Claus had been confused about Santa's new behavior. He didn't seem any happier doing this…

"Don't you want them to love you?" The SQUIP purred in the melodic voice of Keanu Reeves. Santa closed his eyes and thought about it. Did he?

"No. You're just a machine, so you'll never understand, but I don't do this because I need them to love me. I do this because I love them. And you're not going to change that."

"Come on old man, really think your options through. One day they're going to stop believing in you." Santa lifted his just in case bottle of Mountain Dew Red, a new determination set.

"But I'll never stop believing in them. I'm sorry, Keanu, but you're still on the naughty list."


End file.
